Friday, December 14, 2012

Careful Planning

Now, when using the phrase anything is possible, it should be gathered that at some point or another, people are going to be critical of the semantics. I’m so certain that you are aware of the particulars that I present to you the following reply to one person speaking such a phrase, undoubtedly submitted by at least one dissenter in the audience.


I don’t need to explain the tone, because you just heard it exactly as it would sound. Whiny and infuriating, and always a preemptive strike for a dagger of a dare. As I’m certain you will find yourself in this situation again, I have created a set of simple-to-follow steps for your response:

1. Lock eyes with the purveyor of condescending language. During all subsequent instructions, keep this one a constant until such time that (inevitably) it is no longer possible.

2. Attempt to make yourself taller in any way possible. Beyond simple tip-toe stance, use a stair or inconspicuous wooden box, or even pull a far shorter person (willingly) behind your right shoulder. This common intimidation method has been used for centuries.

3. Assuming you have either a slight  overbite or perfectly aligned jaw, lower your tongue to sit as flat as possible across the bottom of your jaw. (Otherwise, PLEASE, DO NOT USE THIS. Especially if you have an underbite.)

4. Without a focus on truly unhinging, open your jaw as wide a possible. It is important to remember that if such a thing was dangerous, it would not be part of the procedure of a routine teeth cleaning.

5. Relax the throat muscles. Imagine you have accidentally swallowed a large jawbreaker, and follow through with the same motions your body would automatically take in an effort to avoid asphyxiation.

6. Lean in toward your verbal assailant with the last moments in which eye contact will be possible. Rattling your diaphragm will allow for a roar to escape your lungs, but under no circumstances should you move your tongue or relax your jaw; both are imperative for the paralyzing fear that is keeping your target in place.

7. Swallow the head of your opponent. 

8. Allow for your upper body to slowly and completely return to normal, as rushing may cause dangerous cramping. Slow your breathing gradually as it may have increased to oxygenate your blood faster, which by the way, has been pumping at super-human levels.

9. The stretching of your lips may have caused chapping, so apply a lip balm immediately to keep painful dry spots from developing. Do not lick your lips; it looks tacky due to the events that have just transpired.

10. With a relaxed expression, look to the folks that heard the condensing comments in question, and sternly punctuate your proportional response with a simple and non-sarcastic, “Anything.”

By paying mind to these simple steps, you may find yourself able to overcome the comments that a more functional human being would have simply moved past. If you would like to acknowledge societal norms, act as a mature adult, and be a productive member of society, skip steps 2 through 9, and then move on with your life.

Photo credit: @coolestkmayer, originally, but now she's @KarMaGoBlue. Published on the Tumblr on 02/06/2012, and by far one of my favorite posts that I made there. 

Sorry for the multitude of older posts recently -- keep on the watch for a big project I've been working on lately to show up sometime next week with all new content.

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